


My Immortal Wizard Boyfriend

by Nedzuku



Category: RWBY
Genre: I promise my grammar and punctuation and spelling can be better than this parody will let on, M/M, cloqwork, ozqrow - Freeform, this is an absolute hellhole parody of my immortal so you've been warned
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-01
Updated: 2018-09-01
Packaged: 2019-05-31 23:22:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15129983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nedzuku/pseuds/Nedzuku
Summary: Qrow(seph) was just a teacher at Signal...then a member of a brotherhood at Beacon...he had a crush on a man named Ozpin...Eh, fuck it. This is just a parody of My Immortal from the perspective of Qrow because we were talking about it on Discord. You may lose your sanity. Reader discretion is advised.





	1. Chapter 1 + Chapter 2: The Battle of the Bands

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [My Immortal](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/394124) by ???. 



Chapter 1.  
Hi my name is Qrowseph Dark’ness Dementia Corvid Branwen and I have shortish ebony black hair and can turn into a crow (that’s how I got my name) with grey streaks and pointy tips that look like feathers and dull red eyes like pink diamond and a lot of people tell me I look like a dusty old crow. I’m not related to Ozpin but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie. I’m an alcoholic but my teeth are straight and white and I only have a little bit of alcohol on my breath even though I’m always drinking whiskey out of my flask. I have normal pinkish skin and a stubble covering my jawline. My semblance is misfortune and all of my friends are dead. I’m also a former teacher, and I taught at a huntsman’s school called Signal in Remnant where I show off my wicked scythe skills (I don’t disclose my age). I’m depressed and want to die (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly black and grey. I love the floor and I pick all of my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a grey dress shirt with a dark grey front and a black collar and cuffs, a blood red cloak with tears along the bottom, black pants, and black shoes, just like I do every day. I was also wearing three rings, one on my right index finger and two on my ring finger, and a crooked cross pendant around my neck. I was walking outside Beacon, where I’m in a secret brotherhood for Ozpin. It was snowing and sleeting so there was ice on the ground, which I was kind of depressed about. A lot of students slipped on the ice as I walked by because of my bad luck. Winter Schnee stared at me. I put up my middle finger at her.

“Hey Qrowseph!” shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Ozpin!

“What’s up Oz?” I asked.

“Nothing.” he said shyly, glancing over his super hot shaded spectacles.

But then, I heard that jackass Ironwood and I had to go away to beat Jimmy’s ass and tell him he was a loser.

Chapter 2.

The next day I woke up on a couch in a drunken stupor as usual. It was snowing and sleeting again. I rolled off the couch onto the floor and drank some whiskey from my custom flask I had with a cool eye and feather symbol…Badass. My couch was…not my couch. I’m not sure where I passed out. I got off of the floor and realized I was only wearing my boxers and shirt. I grabbed my pants off the floor, sniffed them, and put them on with my usual shoes. I took another swig of alcohol and ruffled my hair for that edgy gothic look.

My associate, Glynda, woke up then and snapped her riding crop at me. She put her mid-length light-blonde hair into a bun and opened her bright-green eyes. She put on her long-sleeved pleated top with a boob window and weird flared bits at the wrist, a high-waisted pencil skirt, and black boots with bronze heals. She put on her teal earrings and fixed her pendant to her collar to accentuate her boob window. Now I know where I crashed.

“Qrowseph, you drunk bastard, I saw you talking to Ozpin yesterday!” she said sternly.

“Yeah? So?” I said, scratching my scruff. “We’re in the brotherhood together.”

“Do you like Ozpin?” she asked as she kicked me out of her house and made her way to Beacon.

“No I so fucking don’t!” I shouted.

“Yeah right!” she chastised. “You have sex at least once a week. I always walk into you two _gallivanting_ in his office.” Just then, Ozpin walked up to me.

“Hi.” he said.

“Hi.” I replied flirtily, exhaling my alcohol breath into his stunning face.

“Guess what.” he said.

“What?” I asked.

“Well, Puns and Roses are having a battle of the bands on Beacon’s lawn.” he told me.

“Oh. My. Fucking. God!” I yelled. “I DON’T CARE!”. They were just my nieces and honestly I had to save them every other week when they were little kids so I was kinda over them.

“Well…. do you want to go with me?” he asked.

I took a swig from my flask. “Fine.”


	2. Chapter 3 + Chapter 4: A Flying Car and a Tent in the Pants

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get steamy

Chapter 3.  
On the night of the battle I put on my normal clothes, which consisted of black shoes and pants. Underneath the pants were ripped black fishnets (for Ozpin’s eyes only). I’m sure Oz would love those after the battle was over. Then I put on my grey shirt and my necklace. I put a condom and a lube sachet in my back pocket. I ruffled my hair and actually put some pomade in it to make it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit my wrist and put my wristband over it to cover the damage. I took another swig from my flask while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I got all angsty about my awful sister, Raven. I bit at my nails and put on TONS of axe body spray. Then I ate some cheese puffs and got a bunch of cheese dust on my fingers. I licked the dust off and made sure there was a little bit of dust on my lips so that I could save some for later. I drank some vodka to shake it up a bit, then I was ready to go to the battle.

I went outside. Ozpin was waiting there in front of his flying car. He was wearing a Trouble Clefs t-shirt under his vest and suit coat (they would battle at the show too), black suit pants, and a cross-shaped pin near the neck of his t-shirt. I loved that pin. It made us look like lovers because we both wore crosses. SO GAY!

“Hey Oz.” I said in a gravelly depressed voice.

“Hello Qrowseph.” he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said GEARS) and flew to Beacon’s lawn even though it was only half a mile away and we could have easily walked there. On the way I gave Ozpin a handjob from the passenger seat. Neither of us smoked cigarettes or drugs, but I drank more alcohol and stared moodily into the distance. When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. Ozpin went to the stage and announced the Battle of the Bands. The Trouble Clefs started playing.

“That Grimm is so fucking hot.” I said to Ozpin, pointing to him as he banged on the drums, filling the lawn area with awesome bass.

Suddenly Ozpin looked sad.

“What’s wrong?” I asked as the students beat each other to a pulp. Then I caught on.

“Hey, it’s ok I don’t like him better than YOU!” I said. “I just like cutting them to bits with my scythe which is also a sword which is also a gun and looking like a badass while I do it”.

“Really?” asked Ozpin sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.

“Really.” I said. “Besides I don’t even know that Grimm and he’s going to join all the other Grimm that are going to destroy Beacon in a few days. I fucking hate those monsters.” I said disgustedly, thinking of them tearing down the tower and allowing Cinder to gain the upper hand and kill my lover because of his own trust in the other headmasters who may or may not have betrayed him.

The night went on okay, and I had a sort of decent time watching students throw instrument weapons at each other. So did Ozpin. After the concert, we had some shots from my flask (Oz had two shots because I begged nicely). Then Ozpin and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Ozpin didn’t go my alleyway, instead he drove the car toward……………………… His Office!

Chapter 4.  
“OZ!” I shouted. “What the fuck do you think you are doing?”

Ozpin didn’t answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, scuffing my shoes across the pavement as we made our way inside the tower.

“What the fucking hell?” I asked angrily after we made it out of the elevator.

“Qrowseph?” he asked.

“What?” I snapped.

Ozpin leaned in extra-close and I looked into his smoldering bronze eyes (at least they were that color in this body) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and dread of reincarnation and then suddenly I didn’t feel mad anymore. It was sexy as hell and I had a tent forming in my pants.

And then…………… suddenly Ozpin kissed me passionately. I climbed on top of Ozpin and we started to make out keenly against the glass windows of his office. He took off my top and I took off his top too. I even took of my pants. He stared at my fishnets that I had on under them and I winked. I stripped those off too and put on the condom and lube. Then I put my thingy in his you-know-what hole in the back and we did it-not for the first time.

“Oh! Oh! Oh! ” he screamed. He was beginning to get an orgasm. I was beginning to get an orgasm. I thrusted furiously and my body became all warm. And then….

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!”

It was…………………………………………………….IRONWOOD!


	3. Chapter Five: The Fucking (of his back) End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The drama comes to a head and our lovers have a penis-filled evening despite it all

Chapter 5.

Ironwood made me and Ozpin put on our pants. He kept shouting at us angrily. It sounded like he was yelling through a megaphone. With how much of him was made of metal, maybe he was.

“You kinky bastards!” he shouted.

I started to sob and downed the half-bottle of whiskey I kept stashed in Oz’s desk. Ozpin comforted me. Glynda chose to leave the safety of the elevator at this point.

“They were having sexual intercourse in Ozpin’s office!” he yelled in a furious voice.

“We are in his office right now, yes,” replied Glynda.

“Why would they do such horrid things in this academic sanctum?” demanded Ironwood. “They KNOW we hold our meetings here!”

And then Ozpin shrieked. “BECAUSE I LOVE HIM!!!!”

Everyone was quiet. Ironwood still looked mad but Glynda said “Fine. Very well. We’ll leave you to it.”

Ironwood and Goodwitch backtracked into the elevator. Ironwood stared me down angrily as the doors closed.

“Are you okay, Qrow?” Ozpin asked me gently.

“Yeah I guess.” I lied. I went to Oz’s bathroom and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with crimson lace all around it and black high heels. When I came out….

Oz was standing in front of the bathroom, and he said “you look so fuckable”. I was so flattered that I hugged him. We kissed and finished fucking, with me being the submissive bottom. We spread out across the floor with the dress acting as our blanket, my ass extremely sore since Oz had Gone In Dry. I kissed him, tears streaming down my face from rectal prolapse. This was true love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE FUCKING END BECAUSE I CAN’T DEAL WITH THIS SHIT ANYMORE


End file.
